“It was a normal evening like thousand others. ‘Ali mamar dokane ay’- I texted him on messenger as it was a routine for us to meet there and have tea and other evening snacks.”
Asif Ahsan was describing a typical evening for him that turned ‘abnormal’ soon.
“Usually he is there (at Ali mamar dokan) after my text, but that day I waited for 30 minutes, he didn’t come. Even my text was not seen yet.”
Assuming something bad has happened, Asif tried to reach his friend Rayhan (pseudonym), both of whom are second-year students of Milestone College in Uttara, Dhaka, over the phone, but to no avail. He then went to Rayhan’s house.
“He was there, safe and sound. When I asked why he didn’t check my text, he reluctantly gave some explanations that didn’t make any sense, and much to my surprise shut the door on my face; didn’t ask me to come in for once!”
The phenomenon of ‘Ghosting’
The shock of Asif can only be felt by those who have faced something similar in their lives. Asif felt like being a ghost whose presence meant nothing to his (used to be) friend. Not to mention, he is yet to know the reason why all of a sudden things took a nasty turn.
This anecdote of Asif is one of many this writer, and presumably, almost everyone on social media has come across. This phenomenon is known as ‘Ghosting.’
When someone familiar to you stops all sorts of communication with you, without any explanation, the person is ghosting you. It always comes as a shock to the person who is being ghosted i.e. treated as a ghost who has no existence.
People often fail to notice that they are being ghosted by someone in the first place. However, on being aware of the fact - in most cases, people (who are being ghosted) try to make things up by asking what happened. Sometimes they succeed, sometimes they are met with silence.
What triggers ghosting?
Awkwardness in communication, unhealthy relationship, being tired of someone’s presence, subtle rudeness shown to someone, etc. can lead to ghosting. While thousands of ways can make you a ghost, it is highly likely that you won’t even notice or realise what caused it.
Afra Tahsin, a graduate of social science from Dhaka University, was once ghosted by one of her friends for a reason that she discovered years later.
“It was all because of an SMS I forgot to reply,” Afra explains, “Her SMS reached me when I was in the class. It was about a hangout that evening. I thought I’d reply or call her after the class ends.”
But as the class ended, Afra forgot about the SMS.
“I was totally invested to a group project after the class. In the process, I forgot about her text and hangout, and the result was this.”
Well, Afra doesn’t totally blames her friend. “Not getting a reply must have hurt her,” she says, “but these mistakes happen frequently, don’t they?”
Afra made her point clear. Rather than trying to find out why people ghosts others, we should talk about why people shouldn’t ghost. From his experience of being ghosted on several occasions, this writer believes Afra’s point makes sense.
Thinking the other way
To avoid being hurt by someone and then repaying the debt by ghosting them, one has to think about one’s own situations where he/she might hurt others in a similar manner.
During the winter of last year, Mr Adnan Ahmed had to miss the wedding of his friend Rahatul Islam in Chattogram. He is a fresher in an MNC based in Dhaka. Failing to handle the corporate pressure, he cancelled his trip to the port city at the eleventh hour.
“Well situation wouldn’t worsen if I had refused to go in the first place. But the thing is, I was excited too about his marriage, and I thought I could have joined.”
“Being a fresher in a corporate office, you have mountains to climb to prove your worth. Eventually, I realised it was not possible to go to Chattogram, then come back by the weekend and resume climbing that mountain,” said Adnan.
And the final moment cancellation bothered Rahatul, who shut off all communication channels with Adnan afterwards.
Adnan could ghost back by blaming his friend for not being considerate enough. But could that do any good?
“If I ghosted him back, all I could achieve was the agony of losing a long time friend. Rather I tried to think from his perspectives which clearly had the elements to be sad with me.”
Earlier this month, Adnan could finally manage a couple of days’ leave. He went to Chattogram to Rahatul’s house, stayed there for 2 days and guess what, the two friends are back to their sweet friendship.
Giving the chance to explain rather than ghosting
The writer was curious to hear the part of Rahatul as well and connected him with the help of Adnan.
“You see, human minds can be inconsiderate and stubborn at some points,” said a calm and happy voice of Rahatul over the phone.
“But one has to remain calm till a point when the stubborn one will start seeing things s/he didn’t earlier. That’s how you pass a bad phase of a relationship and bring back the good days.”
Adnan’s considerate gesture left a good impression on Rahatul’s mind. He feels that their friendship is even stronger now. More importantly, he learnt a lesson.
“Ghosting someone is never a solution. I can clearly see what I would have felt if I were in Adnan’s place when I closed communications with him. Be empathetic and considerate to others and try to see the bigger picture - lesson learned,” concluded Rahatul with a burst of gentle laughter.
People may remain busy with something more serious, maybe stuck in unexpected hassles, can forget things, can mistakenly do something weird, can ignorantly say something unpleasant, and may stay in the dark regarding where they made the fuss.
It is okay to get hurt by someone’s behaviour even if they are not aware of the fact. But it is not wise to start ignoring them and not giving them the chance to explain.
Even if we feel we should ghost someone from our lives, for any unpleasant reason, we can give that someone an explanation, another chance. Because life is all about a second chance, isn’t it?
The writer is a graduate of Journalism from Dhaka University and is currently working with a national English daily.
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